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Joke of the Day

"shit. the number the girl at the Sprint store gave me is MY number"

"I heard Oscar Pistorius had a hard time finding a lawyer for his murder trial... they kept saying he didn't have a leg to stand on."

"It's not a nervous breakdown. I'm having a calm, rational breakdown based on an understanding of how fucked everything is."

"Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff? Tequila."

"I am an actual real house cat. After I take a bong-hit I SWEAR I can type in English for about 60 secmeow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow"

"Child: ""Mom! Mom! The dog is having it off and is f*cking!"" Mom: ""Yeah, then don't look!"" --- ___ --- ___ --- | --- ___ --- 20 seconds later the Child: ""But it hurts..."""

"Why did a man's pet vulture not make a sound for five years? It was stuffed."

"1. Get tipsy. 2. Go into a tanning bed. 3. Pretend you're a panini."

"Did you hear about the antelope... Did you hear about the antelope that was trampled by a herd of elephants while getting dressed? He was a self dressed stamped antelope."

"Me: Whatcha doin? 12yo: Catching up on Walking Dead. Me: Did Hershel die yet? 12yo: WHAT?! Me: Guess not."