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Joke of the Day

"My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full."

"What's 9+10? 19 you fucking dumbass"

"The girl at the RyanAir check-in desk said, ""Window or aisle?"" I replied, ""Window or you'll what?"""

"[texting] ME: I like you, I think you're cute MY CRUSH: oh um ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that"

"I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters."

"Wife: ""Tony is coming round"" Me: ""Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?"" Tony: ""I'm here for the money."" *DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*"

"Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks? Him: Thought you said they were baked. Her: I said YOU were baked."

"The Artist I just saw a group of people who were watching an artist sketch all of them in his book. The man was good too, he really knew how to draw a crowd."

"Why did the condom fly across the room? It got pissed off!"

"How do athletes send e-mails? On the Inter-sweat."