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Joke of the Day

"DATE: I chose this restaurant for the ambience. ME: Ah, very good. [to waiter] A bottle of your finest Ambiens, please."

"I found out about Forrest Gump while looking into Fitbits. He was the best of all the running aids."

"Two nuns in a bath... The first nun asks the other ""Where's the soap?"" The other replies ""It does, doesn't it?"" Edit: Punctuation"

"The other day I walked up to a homeless person. 'Knock knock' 'Who's there' 'I thought you were homeless!'"

"Tech Support: ""Which format are the images you send?"" Customer: ""Rectangular 15x11 centimeters."""

"Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you're too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at."

"I don't think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!"

"[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger] ME (from inside): Who is it?"

"So a man comes in a bar Er, no, wait, I meant a horse. So a man comes in a horse..."

"I went to an Anglican church recently... They do communion a little bit differently there. You just walk up, kneel down, and the priest sticks it in your mouth."