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Joke of the Day

"What did the hammer announce over the intercom to the evacuating screws screaming for help? ""This is not a drill!"""

"It's a sad day when you watch National Geographic and realize oysters have a better sex life than you."

"Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the idiot's house. Knock Knock. ""Who's there?"" The chicken."

"Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake"

"There is nothing funnier than yelling ""SHE'S STEALING MY BABY!"" at a mom having a hard time with her kid in public."

"What is the dumbest animal? An ignoraMOOSE"

"""What attracted you to our company?"" Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work"

"Say what you want about pedophiles... ...at least they don't speed in school zones."

"DR DOG: The vasectomy was a success. But until it's healed completely, you'll need to wear this *places cone around patient's neck*"

"Did you know Stalin got hit in the groin with a potato when he was young? That's how he became a dictator."