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Joke of the Day

"When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you're reading this, I want my boomerang."

"""911, what is your emergency?"" Yes I can't hear my television ""Sir, this is not an emer-"" Someone keeps screaming ""HELP ME!!"" next door"

"Real men don't cry...tears for real men are only unnecessary liquids in the body."

"Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time."

"Courtesy of my 8-year-old : Knock knock Who's there Europe Europe who? No, you're a poo!"

"Is Jared Fogle going to jail?? Because I heard he's looking at 8-12 years..."

"Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon? Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army"

"So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?"

"I know you're not supposed to question doctors, but it's weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate."

"how many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb? it's a pretty obscure number, you probably haven't heard of it."