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Joke of the Day

"Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time."

"Friends are forever. Until they get in a relationship."

"What's the best part of gay sex? The part where you ***don't get fucked in the ass***."

"I nevur make the same mistake twice. NEVUR."

"I sometimes think of Siri as my wife on account of her voice & how she's always misinterpreting what I'm actually f'ing saying."

"Soviet Russia In Soviet Russia you no criticize government, government criticize you"

"I've been sleeping with my pocket knife these days... It fucking hurts!"

"HOT! dog what did the dog say about sexy dog to is friend wow look at that hot dog"

"Husband: [sends text] We need to break up. Wife: [sends text] WTF! Husband: [sends text] Sorry. That was meant to go to someone else."

"If a baby like Justin Bieber is the face of teen angst and rebellion, then we've bubble wrapped our kids too tight."