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Joke of the Day

"It's cute that the NRA thinks guns could defend you from a government that has a high fructose corn syrup nozzle up every citizens' asshole."

"What did one pee drinker say when he surprised the other pee drinker? Urine for a treat!"

"Why did the hipster burn his tongue drinking tea? Because he didn't wait for it to be cool."

"If another woman steals your man, there's no better revenge than to let her keep him. Real men can't be stolen."

"WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don't you leaf."

"I'm scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra."

"Did you hear about the new pop singer that has giant nipples? Her name is Areola Grande."

"My brother got kicked out of his house by his wife for measuring his penis. For the record, it reaches the back of her sister's throat."

"Hey girl, are you an integral? Because I'd like to find the area under your curves"

"""Did you go shopping for my birthday present?"" ""Yeah and I found the perfect thing."" ""What thing is that?"" ""Nothing!"""