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Joke of the Day

"I'm doing Bikram yoga today. By that I mean I'm in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition."

"Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try."

"What is the opposite of progress? Congress"

"How attractive are skeletons? They're drop dead gorgeous!"

"I quit drinking and my beer belly is now a pot belly."

"[emergency] [super hero appears] GUY: It's Doesn't-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you! HERO: I...I don't know"

"I'm Skyping your mom right now I've got both monitors up so she can fit."

"""Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker."" ""Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?"" ""Seems fine."""

"Those of you wondering what its like to be married: Just found out this morning I'm on day 3 of an argument I didn't know I was having..."

"I told my Canadian friend that I ran zero miles today... she said that was 0K"