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Joke of the Day

"I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through."

"Wanna impress me iTunes? Let me download a motherfucking pizza."

"What happened to the defeatists poker business? It folded."

"Four years ago, I asked the most beautiful girl in the world out on a date. Thirty minutes ago, I asked her to marry me. Both times she said no."

"CW:my husband doesn't understand me at all. What about yours? Me:I wouldn't know... I don't talk to him about you..."

"My girlfriend is like the square root of -100. She's a 10, but she's imaginary."

"Operator: 999, emergency services. Which service do you require? Me: Oh! Don't mind me, I was just cleaning cake off the touch screen."

"INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others? ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course"

"He's what you'd call a Bukake expert... ...He's done loads of research."

"Having only ever competed in the 100m dash, what did the professional sprinter say after his first 200m race? I've finally turned a corner in my career."