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Joke of the Day

"How can you tell when Halloween is coming too soon? The sight of premature Ejack-o-lanterns in the neighborhood. I'm a Dad so this joke is OK"

"Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they're gonna pay! You have my word!"

"All my life, I thought air was free... ... until I bought a bag of crisps!"

"In marijuana's defense, I'm lazy as shit completely sober too."

"What is it called when a politician craps his pants in a Honda? Civic doody."

"Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake. I know this now."

"20 blind men walk into a bar *thud* *thud* *thud* *thud* *thud* *thud* *thud* *thud* *thud* *thud* *thud* *thud* *thud* *thud* *thud* *thud* *thud* *thud* *thud* *thud*"

"I just answered two Jeopardy questions in a row. This must be what Einstein must have felt like."

"I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed."

"I've run out of things to be upset about. I hope Justin Bieber has kids soon."