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Joke of the Day

"What's the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler? Usain Bolt can finish off a race"

"I saw a picture of myself on a milk carton once but my new family was rich so I kept my mouth shut."

"What does a flaky boyfriend and constipation have in common? They're both assholes who can't commit."

"When theres a rack of lamb, there is not a lack of ram."

"Me and my cat have been staring at each other for so long I forgot which one of us is stoned."

"Why couldn't Helen Keller vote? She was a woman! And it wasn't until 1920 when the 19th Amendment was ratified. At this point she was 40 years old and could vote."

"Why did the redditor stand on a piece of fruit to check his weight? BECAUSE HE WAS USING A BANANA FOR SCALE"

"How many ants does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, but don't ask me how they got in there"

"Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You're not married in heaven. Me: Why not? Wife: Then we'd be in hell."

"My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she's either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services."