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Joke of the Day

"I don't understand why so many people in the south have bad teeth when they try their best to keep everything else straight and white."

"White house What do you call someone in the White House who is honest, ethical, intellectual, law abiding, and truthful? A tourist."

"So I'm about to have a unilateral orchiectomy (true story)... and I say to the urologist surgeon, ""I guess the ball's in your court now"""

"[being chased round my house by a murderer] ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESS MURDERER: What? ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on"

"I've been saying I'll sleep when I'm dead for so long, I'm starting to really look forward to dying."

"Go for someone who is not only proud to have you but will also take every risk just to be with you."

"Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily."

"Gave my cat some almond milk and now she teaches hot yoga on Thursday nights."

"""You said send nudes? I thought you said send nukes"" And that, ladies and gentleman, is the real reason Clinton shall never be president."

"I don't have ADD. It's just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done."