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Joke of the Day

"Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily."

"How many non-binary gender-fluent people does it take to change an LED lightbulb? DID YOU JUST ASSUME MY LIGHTBULB?"

"This is your brain- *holds out egg* This is your brain on drugs- *puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*"

"It's the eye of the tiger. It's the spleen of a sheep."

"I introduced my girlfriend to the family Me: hello everyone, meet Jasmine Jasmine: Hi Wife: what the fuck"

"What is the difference between a feminist and a machist? The second lacks the hypocrisy of the first."

"Just been sent to jail for the first time and spent the first half hour getting ass raped. My Uncle Frank takes Monopoly far too seriously"

"Instagram's down? What am I supposed to with my food, eat it?"

"Last week I called a lady a watering hole... but I meant well."

"SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger ME: Me too, that's also my reason"