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Joke of the Day

"America was not shut down properly. Would you like to restart America in safe mode, with free healthcare & without the guns? (Recommended)"

"ARMY WIVES SUNDAYS AT 11 ON LIFETIME. IT'S NOT TV. IT'S NOT HBO. IT'S NOT FX. IT'S NOT EVEN WE. IT'S LIFETIME. WHAT, LIKE YOU'RE SO GREAT?"

"I hate when I catch a bouquet at a wedding and everyone judges me for lighting it on fire."

"I will be learning Hebrew in Jew course..."

"I lost 7 followers today. It's nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets"

"How many narcissists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One narcissist. The narcissist holds the lightbulb in the socket and waits for the world to revolve around him."

"What is the only thing easier to break than a Razer headset? Your sister's hymen."

"What kind of moronic mirror thinks that Kristen Stewart is fairer than Charlize Theron?"

"They finally replaced the old clock It's about time."

"Baby, if you were a fruit you'd be a fineapple."