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Joke of the Day

"What kind of moronic mirror thinks that Kristen Stewart is fairer than Charlize Theron?"

"Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him."

"My boss wants to take me to lunch... I ask him, ""Where do you want to go? Are burgers cool?"" He said, ""I'll eat pretty much anything, except for fish."" I reply, ""Your poor wife"""

"I told my sons i would buy them each a new Nerf gun. Me: ""Im going to buy you boys a new Nerf gun today"" Son: ""I don't want a Nerf gun i want a Transformer"" Me: ""It's Nerf or nothing"""

"I breathed a sigh of relief when I typed the letter ""y""... ...when I had to type ""analytics"" into the search bar during a presentation at work."

"Well it looks like it's just you and me.. [tumbleweed starts rolling away] WAIT TUMBLY, NO"

"Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife's foot is ""I'm sorry"" not ""I guess that means no sex tonight"""

"What do most people do when they see a python ? They re-coil !"

"What's the difference between the England football team and a teabag? The teabag stays longer in the cup."

"A priest, a blonde, and a rabbi walked into a bar... The bartender says, ""What is this, a joke?"""