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Joke of the Day

"Why are Wayne and Garth banned from playgrounds? They hog the Schwing set."

"[opens door for two Jehovah's witnesses] Ugh...ok come in. The goat blood is in a vial on the table. I'll get the virgin from the basement."

"[financial advisor] based on your income and savings you can retire at age 116 [me] *slips her $100* let's make it 112 [her] now it's 120"

"What's got a pair of balls and 100 teeth? A: A crocodile Q: what's got a 100 balls and a pair of teeth? A: A singing choir of army veterans"

"I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too! Hey Reddit! What is your favorite Mitch Hedburg joke?"

"How do you find an obese woman's vagina in the dark? Go through the folds of fat until you smell shit, then go back one."

"dude you're gonna need to take me home tonight i can't drive like this ""bro this is hi-c orange lava burst"" iim a lightweight ha ha"

"Me: Dude, back off. You're totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym. H: You do realize I'm your husband, right?"

"Bathroom Boy: Can I go to the bathroom? Teacher: Only if you can say the alphabet Boy: OK abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz Teacher: Where's the p? Boy: ""Half way down my leg."

"I walked into my sisters room and tripped on a bra... It was a booby trap! ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^Stolen ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^from ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^The ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^Last ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^Of ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^us"