124501

Joke of the Day

"The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars. Mars: I have a boyfriend"

"*Slowly breaks up with you, word by word, during a game of Scrabble."

"HER: You didn't make a reservation? ME: I got this. (to Maitre D') Perhaps *this* will jog your memory? M: A handful of Skittles, sir?"

"What do you call someone who confuses Emma Stone and Mila Kunis in a movie? A bad judge of character."

"What did the pints say upon landing on Planet Metric? ""Take us to your liter."""

"Why do Chinese tourists get disappointed when they visit America? Because when they buy souvenirs they find out they were made in China."

"[halftime] Coach: Okay men we're literally losing at basketball to a dog... any ideas? -I have one. *pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*"

"Today, I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall... ...As he turned and sneered at me, I thought: 'that's a little condescending'."

"*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance"

"How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? It doesn't matter. Feminists can't change anything."