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Joke of the Day

"[halftime] Coach: Okay men we're literally losing at basketball to a dog... any ideas? -I have one. *pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*"

"(Translated from my mother tongue) What does a man do when he wants to end a marriage passively? He tries finding the expiration date on the marriage cirtifficate"

"I've seen such a change in myself this past year. I've really grown a lot. I need bigger pants"

"robber 1: *puts ski mask on head* you grab the money while i kiss all the bankers robber 2: huh? robber 1: uh i meant kill *hides lipstick*"

"I know Muslims can't eat pork. Islam ok though?"

"I absolutely, unequivocally support any and all scientific efforts to create a real, working invisibility cloak. I just want to make myself crystal clear."

"How do you turn German beer into American Beer? Drink it"

"""When I was younger they all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian,"" said Dane Cook. ""Nobody's laughing now!"""

"[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left"

"Physics Joke A photon walks into a hotel and the bellman says ""can I help you with your bags?"" And the photon replies, ""no it's ok, I'm traveling light."""