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Joke of the Day

"A fun thing to do when you're done dating someone is just disappear completely and pretend you've lost your phone and died"

"Me: I killed another one, boss. Mob boss: You don't work for me. Me: I volunteered. Mob boss:*Looking angry* Me: I'm gonna get back to work."

"2 snails There were 2 snails on the back of a turtle. One of the snails turned to the other and said ""hold on."""

"Children are so unappreciative these days. I bought my daughter a rabbit. She just keeps complaining about how it ""doesn't count if it's roadkill""."

"A man was found pouring dozens of bags of frozen peas into the grave of his dead wife. He wanted her to rest in peas."

"Why does Oedipus hate profanity? He kisses his mother with that mouth."

"Our country's going to shit and I will not stand for it... ...so I sat down"

"I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, she's still alive."

"What language do the Vatican Police speak? Pig Latin!"

"that moment when you and the driver next to you catch each other picking your noses and you both nod like you're in a secret club."