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Joke of the Day

"Me: I killed another one, boss. Mob boss: You don't work for me. Me: I volunteered. Mob boss:*Looking angry* Me: I'm gonna get back to work."

"Why did the chicken cross the road? Why did the cross the road? To ge to the gay kids house. Knock knock. Who's there? The chicken."

"I laughed in r/funny"

"Boss: You gonna get any work done today? Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I'll pick it up. B: Who won? M: Jack Daniels"

"Sorry about my two week Twitter hiatus, I was trying to find the end of the plastic wrap."

"Being a ""Hopeless Romantic"" sounds kinda depressing. ""Pull my chair out for me?"" .. ""I'd love to, but I've given up."""

"Me: What's for dinner? Her: Chinese. Me: I will make the Duck Sauce. *catches duck *fires up juicer"

"My smartphone is now all I need to organise events in my life My calendar's days are numbered."

"A rusted van sits under a bridge. Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks. Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe. ""WHY COULDN'T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?"""

"The average person swallows eight spiders a year. And i've NEVER settled for average (pours burlap sack of spiders down throat)"