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Joke of the Day

"2 snails There were 2 snails on the back of a turtle. One of the snails turned to the other and said ""hold on."""

"Why did the Jonestown jokes never catch on? The punchlines were too long."

"If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time."

"A lawyer is offered two cases... He can either defend a rapist or defend a burglar. He says: ""I'll defend the rapist, I love when people get fucked."""

"What do you call a man with no arms or legs being pulled behind a boat? Skip"

"Hey, did you hear that I'm dating Carbon Monoxide? They're a little clingy though, it feels like they're suffocating me"

"Q: What did one strawberry say to the other strawberry? A: If you hadn't been so fresh, we wouldn't be in this jam!"

"Knock knock *knock knock* ""who's there?"" *knock knock* ""who's there?"" *knock knock* ""who's there?"" *knock knock* ""Quick! Open the coffin I don't think he's dead!"""

"What do you get when you cross a leopard and a camel? A fireside rug you can get a good hump on. Source: Jo Brand on QI S3; Cat's Eyes"

"Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle? A: Shine a flashlight in their ear."