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Joke of the Day

"Getting my dad some strong aftershave and a cigarette lighter for Christmas. Can't wait to see his face light up."

"Wear green for St Patty's Day! You don't wanna get punched! -You mean pinched [flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier] It's pinched?"

"Masturbation Sometimes I masturbate into my big pussy cat and jerk off into my computer"

"A wife asks her husband, ""Does this dress make me look fat?"" Her husband responds, ""No, that question makes you look stupid""."

"5 out of 4 people don't get jokes about fractions."

"I bought some shoes from a drug dealer... I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day."

"""LEEEEET'S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!"" -wet laundry"

"What does Santa say to the elves after they make the toys? Leave my presents"

"*Skrillex' mother puts her ear to his bedroom door* *She hears constant bass drops* *Dad walks up* ""Sounds like he's Wubbing one out.."""

"GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this"