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Joke of the Day

"I couldn't tell if something on the ground was a ball of animal poop or a rock Nudged it with my foot. It was a rock. That was my risky kick for the day."

"I was wrong about Hillary not having sufficient doctoring. Turns out she's surrounded by spin doctors."

"So, a man with a baby newt on his head walks into a barber's... And says, ""Short back and sides, axolotl off the top."""

"me: [first gang practice] is snack time before or after the murders"

"She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she's gone. She took off after a squirrel."

"Apparently, museums don't like it when you try to improve the paintings."

"In Heaven, the angels asked God where he would spend his next vacation. Definitely not earth, God said. Last time I went there, I got a girl pregnant and they still haven't stopped taking about it."

"Sometimes I get scared robots are going to take over. Then I use a motion-controlled sink."

"My moods don't just swing - they bounce, pivot, recoil, rebound, oscillate, fluctuate and occasionally pirouette."

"I started flossing again recently to remove food from between my teeth I never realized just how much blood I was eating"