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Joke of the Day

"Went to kill a spider with a rolled up newspaper and all it did was sit there and laugh at me for still reading a newspaper."

"Yes, life is meaningless, but some of the food is decent."

"I heard that sadomasochistic vegans like to get beet and artichoked. Some even like getting pead on. Don't turnip your nose at this."

"""Let's fly to Russia, get a bucket of water from the Caspian Sea, then put it above the door so it falls on Jeff!"" - Impractical joke"

"[Travels back in time] Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future? Lincoln: United as one nation... Me: Wrong! FATTER."

"What do tofu and a dildo have in common? They are both meat substitutes."

"The lady next door ran over my cat. She said she'd replace it, so I asked her how good she was at catching mice. Courtesy of Mary Poppins."

"Why did the chicken cross the road? The first side smelled bad."

"What did the bra say to the hat? ""You go on a head, I'm gonna give these two a lift."""

"If an athlete gets athlete's foot what does an astronaut get? Missile toe."