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Joke of the Day

"I heard that sadomasochistic vegans like to get beet and artichoked. Some even like getting pead on. Don't turnip your nose at this."

"[grocery produce aisle] ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots? CLERK: No, why do you ask? CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?"

"If I ever have a son... I'm going to name him Bashun. And whenever our butler is unable to find him in the house he'll call out at the top of his voice, ""Master Bashun! Master Bashun where are you?"""

"After a rough night, I woke up one morning and thought I should join Alcoholics Anonymous... I changed my mind though, because I am NOT a quitter."

"This silence is far from golden... which reminds me. I need to shower."

"If Taylor Lautner bites you, how much time do you have until you turn gay?"

"""Opps"" is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency."

"When I m on a date... When I m on a date, I like to tell the girl that ""I m aviable for a limited time only"" In hopes that her shopping instincts will kick in."

"I'm not saying I don't like you, but if you had an open wound I'd hand you a salt shaker."

"Q: What's green, and sings? A: Elvis Parsley"