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Joke of the Day

"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make when they fly over my head."

"People who like being photographed in natural light.. ..should be taken outside and shot."

"Dinner guests coming over later and I got nothing. Does anyone know how to turn beef jerky back into steaks?"

"Just how hairy was the dude who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?"

"What's the difference between me and Santa? Santa only comes down your chimney."

"Why did the woman throw the stick of butter out the window? To watch the butterfly"

"I found out today that if I just let go of the steering wheel, my car will drive itself. The catch is: my car is a terrible driver."

"Turkeys Recalled. Did you see the news story about the turkey recall? Check your freezers, because Butterball is recalling all of their turkeys because they forgot to butter the balls."

"Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert? Me: I think we should see other people."

"Friend: You'll find love again. Me: STOP THREATENING ME"