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Joke of the Day

"Me: There has to be a way I can lose weight! Friend: Eat healthy? Exercise? Me: No, that's not it. Keep thinking! We'll figure this out."

"When they ask me in a job interview what my greatest weakness is, I always say that I can't open my eyes under water"

"""Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That's all, so you don't need to look."" - my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious"

"Bigfoot, an alien, and a Pilgrim walk into a bar. I need a punch line."

"What do you get when you mix blood and piss? Bliss!"

"Behind every fat girl there is a beautiful woman. No seriously, you're in the way"

"What kind of dog did Dracula have? A Bloodhound."

"Alcohol and calculus don't mix... ...never drink and derive."

"Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I'm gonna have to maul the shit out of you."

"What do a black guy and a paraplegic have in common? They're both only three fifths of a person"