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Joke of the Day

"Annoucement: At my funeral, all my tweets shall be recited. I will then haunt whomever leaves first, demanding honest feedback for eternity."

"Did you hear the one where a father told his kid to quit masturbating or he'd go blind? His kid said, ""Dad, I'm over here!"""

"Everyone on the planet is such a hypocrite and so self-centered Oh, except for me of course"

"Me: *gets on scale* 5yo: Whoa! That's a lot of points!"

"I recently became the coach of an orphanage baseball team Because I hate dealing with parents."

"""you look good have you been working out"" [me thinking about earlier when i taekwondo kicked a birdbath like 7 times til it fell over] Yeah"

"What's the difference between Donald Trump and Adolf Hitler? A mustache"

"A crocodile goes to the doctor.. It turns out the crocodile was suffering from ereptile dysfunction."

"What happens when two dogs breed in a pound? Dog pound dog pounds dog pound dog."

"My wife said something that meant a lot to me. ""500 trillion."""