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Joke of the Day

"Me: *gets on scale* 5yo: Whoa! That's a lot of points!"

"How long do you need to put the turkey in the oven for? Mine was dead within 30 minutes (credit goes to my Grandma)"

"People say drugs are bad, but I'm calling complete BS on that. I've only been on meth for 20 minutes and I'm already the king of Jupiter."

"Why can't Shia Joe travel in eastern Pennsylvania? Because it's always Sunni in Philadelphia."

"Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses."

"At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself"

"Whats the difference between a hippie on fire and a lifetime supply of patchouli? I don't wish for a lifetime supply every time I smell patchouli."

"I can tell you how to view NSFW content while at your desk. Get to work, Michael! You're not getting paid to watch models who have ""MAGA"" tattooed on their breasts."

"The problem with the French is that they don't have a word for entrepreneur. -George.W.Bush"

"Things have changed so much like 4000 years ago if you killed a lion and could fix people's teeth you would have been the king of everything"