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Joke of the Day

"Me: *gets on scale* 5yo: Whoa! That's a lot of points!"

"Why spend all that time in school to be a doctor,, when you can save lives by forwarding an email or reposting a status on your Facebook wall?"

"Rude lady to me, ""Well I'm sorry but you don't LOOK sick to me."" Me, ""Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don't look stupid."""

"Today in an elevator, I got off on my floor, hugged the person next to me & said, ""You seem like a alotta fun. We should keep in touch.""."

"What do you call a skinny person that identifies as obese? A trans fat"

"My girlfriend doesn't give me any space in the bed, so I bought a bigger bed."

"Why did the zombie only eat blonde brains? She was on a diet."

"What did the pregnant orange see after 9 months? The fruits of her labor."

"Grammar is important. It's the difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit."

"I have a weird fungal infection on my foot... I didn't like it at first, but it's growing on me."