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Joke of the Day

"""That 'Hanglider' bird is a tough sonofabitch..."" ""... I had to shoot it 5 times before he let the man go"""

"When someone favorites instead of retweeting me I comfort myself by thinking ""they're just keeping me to themselves"""

"There is a fine line between ""important to me"" and ""dead to me."" Don't walk it."

"When life gives you melons... don't burn the pot roast."

"A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he's on a date so he's going to have good posture the whole time this sucks"

"When does it become a dad joke? When it was a kid."

"Be sure to take the time to honor a soldier today by punching a politician in the face."

"For people with a gluten allergy, it's kind of like kryptonite, except Superman didn't find a way to mention it in every conversation."

"Why do lesbians never cook? Because they eat out."

"Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit."