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Joke of the Day

"WIFE: don't be weird at the party tonight ME: am i ever weird? [dinner party] CHERYL: how's the soup taste? ME: like the blood of my enemies"

"What do you call a psychic, escape convict who is also a dwarf? A small medium at large."

"I'm no different than any other bachelor. I put my pants on one leg at a time and clean the house once every new girlfriend."

"While I appreciate that you're bringing sexy back, if we're not also discussing who took sexy away, we're only enabling future sexy problems"

"Ex's are like college Sometimes you wanna go back, then you remember that they would have killed you if you had stayed much longer"

"What kind of movies do scurvy circles enjoy? rated movies."

"He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers."

"What do you call a one-legged asian woman? Irene"

"What has one hundred balls and screws old ladies? Bingo."

"New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I've lost 17,000 pounds."