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Joke of the Day

"""Can you cook dinner tonight?"" Can't. New meds say I can't operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn't look light"

"How do you recognize a rich ethiopian? He only wears Rolex around his waist."

"A guy asks his girlfriend make him feel awesome and sad at the same time Girlfriend: Out of all your friends you have the biggest penis"

"My internet goes at 20mb per second... wonder how much faster it goes per first!"

"What is the difference between a calendar and you? A calendar has a date on Valentine's day."

"Why did Boba Fett work alone? Because he was hunting Solo."

"If you've already died hard, how can you die harder, with a vengeance, live free and die hard again and then find a good day to die hard?"

"My wife asked me to bring home some stuff for the pancakes yesterday. She wasn't happy when I came back with a push up bra."

"Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. Wouldn't it be a lot more helpful if it was on the front?"

"The spider I let live in my kitchen is letting the bugs run amok. No free rides! Your days are numbered missy."