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Joke of the Day

"A guy asks his girlfriend make him feel awesome and sad at the same time Girlfriend: Out of all your friends you have the biggest penis"

"Told my dad I had sex with a girl who had HIV. He asked if I was positive."

"Me: Real women don't care about romantic cliches. My internal voice: Please buy me flowers, please buy me flowers, please buy me flowers."

"When a cop asks if you know why they pulled you over, smile, take their hand in yours and say, ""Sounds like somebody needed a friend"""

"I was down the gym this morning, when I noticed a hole in my trainer just big enough to get my finger in... ...Anyway, she's now made a formal complaint and I'm barred for life."

"Why is King Joffrey like a mattress? Two twins make a King."

"ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG'S MOUTH: who's a good boy DOG: your mom ME: please take this seriously"

"[speed dating] HER: So what do you- ME: How fast can you order a pizza? HER: I don't- ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT"

"What does Miley Cyrus eat for Thanksgiving? Twerky I'll show myself out."

"A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three... He says, ""uno, dos..."" and he disappears without a tres"