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Joke of the Day
"I'm good at making friends. Wait, that's not right. Correction: I'm good at making friends up."
Next Joke
"Just had to gently break it to all these girls in Starbucks that they are not Zooey Deschanel."
"What's the opposite of the word uncle-off-her? It's an aunt-*on*-him."
"*getting murdered* Oh, wow, this is totally clearing my sinuses"
"At what point does the dentist stop giving you toothbrushes? Dude, I'm forty. I have one."
"Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it."
"*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat* Uber driver: ""Where to?"" Me: ""oh, nowhere. I just don't like to change my diaper in the street."""
"Knock knock. ""Who's there?"" Christopher Walken. ""Christopher Walken who?"" Christopher Walken and then walk out after his weird cameo."
"What do disabled people get when there's a fire in the building? Left behind"
"*Works out on rowing machine *Breaks rowing machine *Doesn't know own strength *Buys Doritos to celebrate *Can't open bag"