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Joke of the Day
"*turns on shower* *gets undressed* *checks TL real quick* *floods the entire neighborhood*"
Next Joke
"I know a hooker downtown that charges by the inch. I can't afford her, but you probably could. *(one-liner from the old guy that delivers stock to my work.)*"
"[At historic site] Guide: Questions? Me: What's the wifi password? G: I meant about 19th century life. M: Oh....Dost thou have thy password?"
"[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium] AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man ME: shut up and help me butter them"
"my dads complaining that i ate all his pills but I'M complaining that he's a giant melting prism of pure energy thats turning into a dragon"
"It's only an overdose if you're dead."
"A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn't know by now where babies come from it's not my place to tell her"
"Alarm clock that releases spiders... NOW you're up. Million dollar idea."
"I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I'd have to lose to date again."
"It's so insane that humans go to dark rooms to watch humans pretend to be other humans"