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Joke of the Day

"My Archimedes Heel is Greek references"

"Did you read the joke Hillary emailed to Obama? [deleted]"

"I may not be book smart or street smart and I may not have much common sense and I'm really not sure where I was going with this."

"What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? You can't hear an enzyme"

"I can't understand how Bruce Jenner wants to become a woman The plastic surgery has got be mildly painful, but the sucking out of half the brain has got be excruciating."

"Me: How much for the selfie stick? Him: Sir, that's an Olsen twin. Me: I'll take it."

"*4YO and I slo-mo run towards each other* 4: I didn't pee the bed daddy! Me: Me neither! *big hug* It was a big night for both of us."

"Why was the cannibal expelled from school? Because he kept buttering up the teacher."

"Didn't know which glass of beer was mine so I drank both. I'm a problem solver."

"Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?"