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Joke of the Day
"Didn't know which glass of beer was mine so I drank both. I'm a problem solver."
Next Joke
"I never know what to do with my hands during sex. I just end up snapping my fingers along with the rhythm."
"I've never wished death on anyone. It's the absolute *last* thing anyone should have to go through."
"What if a man existed w/one hand that's a steak and the other is lobster plus unlimited salad bar? This is the plot of ""Edward Sizzlerhands"""
"Never think you can win a fight just because the other one is a huge pussy. It might have been a female tiger, but it still ate my arm."
"Africans would remember this Ebola"
"4yo: I want to play squirt guns Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry? 4yo: YES Me: Okay, let's go"
"""Mickey Mouse, it says here that you want to divorce Minnie because she was... extremely silly?"" ""No, I said she was fucking Goofy."""
"A soldier keeps a mug upside down and tells the sergeant: - I can't drink from this mug. It has no opening. The sergeant examines the mug and says: - You are right. And besides this it has no bottom."
"My grandfather died of asbestosis. Took 6 months to cremate him. This works better in person when you get the other person believing you first."