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Joke of the Day

"Buy Domino's Fire everyone Hire dragons Fire roasted pizzas Delivery in six minutes or less IMAGINE DRAGONS"

"How do drugs end up in prison? They get smuggled in by some asshole."

"Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven't answered her email and she wouldn't know the new address to send it to."

"Auto correct changed ""absence"" to ""absinthe"" and now my kid's school won't let me be on the PTA."

"I was gonna tell a pizza joke, but it's too cheesy."

"Julie had broken off her engagement. Her friend asked her what had happened. 'I thought it was love at first sight' said Julie. 'It was but it was the second and third sights that changed my mind."

"have u ever just taken your goth girlfriend out on a date but it gets dark out and you lose her in the parking lot"

"I just got back from a trip to Flint I went there to experience some Heavy Metal."

"INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? SLOTH: *Points to another part of the building* Around there maybe"

"How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb? TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE!"