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Joke of the Day

"Why can't blind people bungee jump? Because it scares the fuck out of the dogs."

"Barista: How do you take your coffee? Me: Orally."

"COP: do you know why I pulled you over? ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off* [3 years later] COP *walking his dog*: wait a second..."

"Going to Walmart to boost my confidence and kill my sex drive."

"My mate keeps having sex with Nuns. I did warn him not to get in the habit."

"Why do Ethiopian girls give the best head? They always swallow."

"Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you're a parent: -showers -sitting down to eat -drinking coffee while it's hot -pooping"

"- How was school? 4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions - laughs - oh honey - nobody would name their kid Trenton"

"How do crazy people make it through a forest? They take the psycho-path."

"I've been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight."