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Joke of the Day

"You're suppose to wear clean underwear in case you're ever in an accident. I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me."

"You're so ugly, Scorpion be like, ""Stay over there!"""

"My landlord wanted to come talk to me about the high heating bill I told him, ""My door is always open""."

"I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she'd show me a good time. When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds."

"I just got a text from a woman I know that said only ""we z"". Did she just ask me to sleep with her in three letters? Nicely done!"

"Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. "

"New Zealand scientists have discovered two new uses for sheep... Meat and wool. (Exchange for Welshmen if need be)"

"I have a drinking problem (when I tilt my head back to take a drink I can't see my phone)"

"Your tweet is funny. You didn't hear that short, little exhale through my nose?"

"""Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job"" [Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer's hand clean off]"