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Joke of the Day

"[strip to the waist for my fight club debut] Opponent: ""dude they meant the top half"" *walks away* [I claim victory and retire undefeated]"

"I like to put Aunt Jemima next to the Uncle Ben in my pantry. I'm hoping for a love connection."

"It's great that banks are nice enough to charge fees for using machines created for the purpose of replacing paid employees."

"I remember when social networking was something that happened in person. How awkward."

"How do terrorists like their apple pie? Allah mode."

"During the security announcement on the plane, they asked us to ""place all loose objects in the overhead compartment"" So I picked up my friend and put her in the overhead compartment."

"I went to Seoul the other day to sell fluorescent markers. It was the highlight of my Korea."

"What gives a gorilla good taste? Four years in an Ivy League school!"

"Went to see the new "" pixels "" movie but The resolution was bad"

"My ex hated when I started dating her twin sister. Like it's my fault they're conjoined."