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Joke of the Day

"I hate stools... They are a bunch of sons of benches."

"I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who's the idiot now Mom!?"

"Can we just hold the power button down on America and see if that fixes anything?"

"I've been pro-immigration but if one more Mexican restaurant tries to charge me for chips and salsa, the deal's fucking off. Comprende?"

"Geek Booty Call... Fan Fiction You're totally fan-fic worthy. I think someone's about to make an appearance in Kirk's quarters next chapter."

"Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking? Because all those men already have boyfriends."

"Mr. Trump, who's your Secretary of State? TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin"

"Speaking of dogs... There's a dog with no hind legs, and bollocks made of steel. So, this dog is coming down the street. Do you know what is the name of the dog? . . . . Sparky!"

"What did the necrophiliac get after his wife died? Mourning wood."

"You ever feel like you just don't really understand anything, and then your hands turn into flippers and you realize you're a dolphin?"