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Joke of the Day

"Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she's watching over me Mom's Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you'd believe"

"My pregnant dog licked the floor after I cleaned it with ammonia... my vet said she was a basic bitch."

"Wife to husband as they watch their young son playing: ""He's such a sensitive child. Let's wait until he's older before we tell him you're an accountant."""

"the plot of hitman is that greg hitman is just trying to go about his day but wacky things always seem to happen when he's around!"

"Things I suck at:1. Being attractive.2. Being normal.3. Relationships.4. Texting back.5. Math.6. Life."

"With how fat America is.... With how fat America is, I'm surprised their currency isn't in pounds."

"I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks."

"Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I'm the bartender."

"What does a jew eat sushi with? Goy sauce"

"Guys, I just found a BUNCH of Mohicans!"