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Joke of the Day

"God and Lazarus God said to Lazarus, ""Come forth, and receive eternal life!"" However, Lazarus came fifth and received a toaster."

"Why is there no market for white tires? Because black tires makes your car run faster"

"My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she's going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door."

"""Ok, so you love kids and a clean house? Really, you don't drink but you like to drive?"" Me, interviewing the perfect sister wife"

"Did you hear Clinton has a girlfriend? ...they think Bill might have one too."

"Today I woke up to a surprise bj for the first time Probably should sleep with my mouth closed from now on"

"""Wow, you look like shit this morning."" ""Really? That's funny because I was totally going for the urination look."""

"What do America and Russia have in common? They both want to kill turkey this thanksgiving"

"Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter ."

"Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section."