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Joke of the Day

"Life is like toilet paper, you're either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole."

"Who him? Oh that's just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter- *saxophone solo* INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS."

"One snowman says to the other snowman, ""do you smell carrots?"""

"I asked a Southeast-Asian-looking elderly gentleman if he was from Thailand. He said, ""Yeah, Siam."""

"I almost had a heart attack when I saw a black man carrying a TV like mine. Then I remembered mine was at home working in the garden."

"What do you call a police officer that doesn't get out of bed? An under cover cop."

"We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica."

"Two men walk into a bar. You think one of them would have seen it..."

"I have an addiction to cheddar... But it's only mild"

"How do you make a tame duck wild? Annoy it."