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Joke of the Day

"ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day FRIEND: don't you mean good old days? ME: no, I just had the one"

"I'm amazed football players don't fumble on literally every play. One time I tripped on a curb and both of my shoes fell off."

"What is a gathering of octopus called? Octoposse"

"BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. ""Hitler's haircut is literally the worst,"" she writes. ""Also he's mean."""

"wife: Feeling better? me: Yeah wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn't you? [flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation] me: No"

"Give a man a fish and he'll go to McDonald's instead. Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald's"

"Why did the Walrus go to the tupperware party? He was looking for a tight seal."

"What did the groundhog's trainer tell him before the Olympics? Gopher gold."

"Two Nuns walking down the street...when a streaker.. Two Nuns walking down the street... when a streaker runs past, one of them had a stroke..........the other couldn't reach..."

"It doesn't matter that I'm bad at spelling, I'm the best physicist just give me a sodastream and watch."