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Joke of the Day

"Gross. Now I can't eat salmonilla without thinking about eggs."

"My favorite element is Helium I can't speak highly enough of it"

"Sorry I called you stupid. It was insensitive and heartless of me. I just assumed that you knew."

"Great job keeping shit out of my eye, eyelash that's currently in my eye."

"I have a Muslim friend with a Note 7... It only gets awkward when he shouts ""Allahu Akbar"" when plugging it in."

"If I'm ever on life support, I want you to pull up he plug... Then wait 10 seconds and plug it back in, maybe that'll work."

"[picking a career as a kid] I just want to do something that matters [many years and jobs later] Oh right nothing matters"

"I wouldn't really mind being left to my own devices as long they were fully charged and there was WiFi."

"When my girlfriend told me she was pregnant, I wasn't prepared for all the changes I'd have to make... ...like my name, phone number, job, city where I live..."

"I'm so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I'm going with them."