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Joke of the Day

"If I'm ever on life support, I want you to pull up he plug... Then wait 10 seconds and plug it back in, maybe that'll work."

"Somewhere, a ninja watches ""I Didn't Know I was Pregnant."" An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. ""Damn right you didn't."""

"How many babies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? I don't know... I broke the lightbulb after I threw the first one."

"What's the most important part about a joke timing..."

"""I have too much time on my hands and I want to stew in a broth of my own filth."" - People who take baths"

"Have you ever eaten African food... Neither have they"

"Guys, enough with the fat jokes.. Can't you see I've got enough on my plate already"

"What would happen if for one day nobody could make calls with their cellphone in the United States? Literally nothing, because nobody fucking ever answers their phone to begin with."

"Like on Amazon or in our house? [My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]"

"I miss my ex-girlfriend... I can't seem to hit her."