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Joke of the Day

"What do women and linoleum have in common? If you lay them just right you can walk on them for years."

"Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters"

"Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago. Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?"

"Don't think of me as 40. Think of me as two 20 yr olds."

"What do you call an oval with a speech impediment? An Elipshhh"

"*wife opens present* ""You got me the action figure you wanted?"" Ugh if you don't appreciate it then give me it *takes gift and runs to room*"

"How do you describe every gf in one word? K"

"*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren't there any female Transformers?!?"

"I learned today that I'm still a reddit noob."

"What do you call an orchestra with bronchitis? A coughcoughony!"