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Joke of the Day

"*wife opens present* ""You got me the action figure you wanted?"" Ugh if you don't appreciate it then give me it *takes gift and runs to room*"

"What kind of milk does Mitt Romney drink? 1%"

"Why does NASA throw the best parties.... they make sure to planet"

"My parents were like siblings. And according to the police that was, like, a problem."

"[Pulled over] Sir do you know how fast you were going? MY DOG IS IN LABOR! Oh! In that case *scribbles* Here is a ticket for littering."

"Q: What did the snail say as he rode on the back of a turtle? A: Wheeee!"

"How many days are there in Canadian February? About Twenty, eh."

"If I owned my own strip club, I'd probably name it 'The Museum' 'Cause, you know, no touching. If 'The Museum' worked out, I might open another one and call it ""Blue Balls."" Pretty self explanatory."

"What is comedian and former MTV show host Tom Green's favorite brand of pen? Uni-Ball"

"Unfortunately, the house having 'period features' turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month."